Over the years, I have come to realize
that different cultures have different attitudes towards splitting the
bill in relationships. Living abroad, and interacting with many
Caucasians, I realized that going to the restaurant/bar with your
friends/man meant that you might have to pay for your share of whatever
you consumed. It was nothing wrong to me, nor was there anything strange
about it. It was just what it was. Although there are a few Western men
who insist on always picking up the tab, if you ever find yourself on a
date with one you are just getting to know – you might want to hold ya own money o.
In fact, even if you are going out in obodo-oyinbo with oyinbos biko hold ya money and chop according to ya pocket o – or else na On Ya Own you dey. You go just wash plate tayah, ya skeleton go just peel.
I cannot help but compare this to our attitude towards splitting the bill in Naija, especially
with a Nigerian man – considering our men’s cultural role {as a
provider} and how this in turn affects our social behaviour. You go out
on a date with a guy and he pays for both of you. You go out to a
bar/club and he buys the bottles and you just drink. You go to the
movies and he pays. You want pop-corn and hot-dog and he pays again. You
go shopping and he pays – yet again. Indeed, many of our women
experience these as normal and appropriate and enjoy these without so
much as giving a “thank you” back to their host. In turn, most men are
accustomed to providing these “comforts” and would even be insulted
should their date offer to pay for her share.
Interesting.
However you might choose to roll the
dice, Nigerian men (generally) can be considered generous – in
comparison to their foreign counterparts. Please don’t calculate your le boo
among this equation if you are dating the kind that KEEPS inviting you
to the movies only to buy popcorn and coke for himself only, while you
are looking there like Lucozade Boost. Your case is special.
Once the story was shared of the
Nigerian girl who always footed her own bills and didn’t demand anything
material from her Mr. Man. He said he liked that she was “independent”,
and loved her more because of it. Even on the nights they ate out, he
would ask that they split the bill, and she didn’t mind. Everything she
wanted for herself, she got for herself- and then some – for him. All
was fine and dandy in this fairy-tale until they got married and the
Nigerian girl (herewith called Ms. Independent) realized that Mr. Man
expected her to continue doing these and more as his wife.
In time she realized the horror… it
wasn’t so much that Mr. Man was “proud of her independence” as it was
that he was just one of those people who didn’t like sharing his wealth.
He was a human aradite a.k.a super-glue AKA alaun-kobo-kobo.
She had never asked, he never gave, so she didn’t realize what would
turn out to be a big problem. That was fine when she was a bachelorette.
Now, five years and two kids later, she had to ask- not just as a wife,
but as a mother. She needed him to contribute to the upkeep of the home
and the responsibilities they had both created. He almost never gave – still.
It didn’t matter that he was financially buoyant. She had better luck counting the drops of water in the ocean.
*singing with side-eyes* things fall apart…things fall apartttttt… t-things fall APAAARRRRTTTTTT…
Yep, things fell apart. So sad. I can’t
help but wonder… where did she go wrong? Where did he go wrong? Would he
have been happier if she had nagged him and insisted he met her needs
while they were dating? Would she have been happier? Did she enable his
closed-fistedness by agreeing to split the bill and forming what some
people call “Ms. Independent?”
And by the way, what is it with people
who fling the “Ms. Independent” title sneeringly and derogatorily at
hard-working females like it’s a bad thing for grown women to exercise
their rights to feed, clothe and house themselves? Last I checked, that
was what being an adult was about. How did it suddenly become something
to be ashamed of?
*scratches chin* Very Interesting.
Anyway, this splitting a bill thing eh… I
once had an issue one of my closest male friends when I was in Europe.
He was European. The day before, we had had a most profound discussion
on the cultural differences in handling restaurant bill-splitting
between his people and our people. I told him that if he ever
went out with a Nigerian girl, he should let her know before-hand if she
should bring with her some money.
Infact I was very clear.
No.1. DON’T INVITE HER OUT IF YOU WANT HER TO PAY FOR IT.
No 2. IF YOU WANT HER TO TAKE YOU OUT, LET HER TAKE YOU TO WHERE SHE CAN AFFORD.
No. 3. DON’T INVITE A GIRL OUT TO AN
EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT OF YOUR CHOICE WITHOUT TELLING HER THAT YOU WOULD
HOPE SHE WOULD SPLIT THE BILL WITH YOU.
Wait, wait, wait… it may sound
harsh, and I know it’s not the most romantic thing for a man to say to a
woman, but is it not better for him to say it out- than for them to
chop finish and then when it’s time to pay they would now be looking at
each other like mumu and stammering but-I-thought…but-I-thought? And
then they would both go home irritated. Abeg o.
Only for my darling friend to
conveniently forget everything I had told him the day before. A
childhood friend of mine had flown into town for the weekend, and my amigo suggested we stop for pizza at a local pizzeria.
No problem.
Walahi, before we chop the chop finish eh, just before I swallowed the last kpom-kpom in
my mouth, my friend brought out her card to pay, and instead of my
gallant, previously educated amigo to negate such sacrilege, he just sat
there chewing. And no. It didn’t make it better that he gave her a
hand-squeeze and said thank you. It made it worse. Mainly because he and
I both knew that he had a few thousand EUROS in cash on him. The pizza
cost 12 EURO. I was flabbergasted and horrified. He didn’t understand
why I was so upset. ”She offered to pay,” he said.
In truth, it had less to do with gender
than it being that one who had so much would happily let another who had
so little take responsibility for something that was a benefit to them
both. I did not like it at all, but it was what it was.
What do you think about splitting the
bill? As a man, would you allow your date pick up the tab or split the
bill with you? As a woman, what would you think about a man who asked
you pay your share of a restaurant bill while he paid his? Or the guy
who played the –oh-my-gosh-I-completely-left-my-wallet-at-home card when
served the bill?
Merry Christmas with much love to you all!
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